Rodscher

The Greatest Lies

Jokes

About Airlines

*****

PILOT:   Tower, Piper Three Five Alpha, ready for depature!
TOWER:    Piper Three Five Alpha, cleared for take-off runway 32 left!
Der Tower nach dem Start zur Piper:
TOWER:   Piper Three Five Alpha, do you realize, you just took off from the taxiway?
PILOT:   Sorry! Do you want me to come back and try again?
TOWER:   Tower prefers that you don`t return!
PILOT:   Is there a time limit on that request?
TOWER:   NO !!!!

*****

CONTROLLER:   N123 squawk altitude
PILOT (aufgeregt):   I can´t, I´m climbing!

*****

PILOT :     Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
GROUND :     Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan.
What is your destination?
PILOT :     Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig.
GROUND :     Aber, aehh, wir haben heute doch Dienstag!
PILOT :     WAS ? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei!

*****

CONTROLLER :     Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about
two houres ago?
PILOT :     Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

*****

TOWER:     PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT:     Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.

PILOT:     Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and
    push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT:     Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT:     In that case, cancel the good morning!

*****

TOWER:     Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off...
and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further
instructions on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT:     Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.

*****

CONTROLLER :     Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
PILOT :     Say again.
CONTROLLER :     Squawk 0476.
PILOT :     Four, zero....?
CONTROLLER :     Wollen sie nen leichteren haben?

PILOT :     Tower, request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER :     Negative!
PILOT :     Did you say negative ?
TOWER :     Affirmative
PILOT :     Understood affirmative. I will call you leaving the zone.

*****

PILOT :     Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER :     Yes.
PILOT :     Yes,what?
TOWER :     Yes, SIR!

*****

CONTROLLER (in Stuttgart) :     Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
PILOT :             Das is ja wie in Frankfurt. Da gibts auch nur
210 und 170 Knoten....aber wir sind ja flexibel.
CONTROLLER :             Wir auch! Reduce to 173 knots.

CONTROLLER :     Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT:         Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345....

*****

TOWER :     Say altitude.
PILOT :     altitude.
TOWER :     Say fuelstate.
PILOT :     fuelstate.
TOWER :     Say again.
PILOT :     again.
TOWER :     Say cancel IFR!

*****

PILOT :     Tower, give me a rough time check!
TOWER :     It's tuesday...

TOWER :     Say fuelstate.
PILOT :     fuelstate.
TOWER :     Say again.
PILOT :     again.
TOWER :     Arghl, give me your fuel!!
PILOT :     Sorry, need it by myself.....

*****

PILOT :     Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16.
TOWER :     Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16 , wind calm -
and by the way: this is Vienna Tower.
PILOT :     (Nach einer Denkpause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo
passed the outer marker.
TOWER :     Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more :
You are approaching Vienna!
PILOT :     (Nach einer weiteren Denkpause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
TOWER :     You can believe me, this is Vienna!
PILOT : (....Denkpause....) But why?? We want to go to Bratislava,
not to Vienna!
TOWER :     Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 060
and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

*****

TOWER :     Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen sie ueber Teerweg zwo null neun
Charlie und Mike zum GAC.
PILOT :     AEH...Teerweg zwo...??
TOWER :     Das ist der kleine rechts. Sie sind gerade dran vorbeigerollt.
PILOT :     Sorry.
TOWER :     Don't worry , nehmen sie den Mike.
PILOT :     Aeh, ...Mike??
TOWER :     Das ist der letzte ganz hinten rechts....

PILOT:     "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
TOWER:     "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the
airfield in sight?!?!!"
PILOT:     "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the
fuel truck is."

*****

Ein LH liner im Anflug Nr. 2, vor ihm eine C 172.
Tower :    "D-ECSG, break-off to the right, Lufthansa-liner close behind you".
C-172 :    "Munich tower, say all again after airliner"
Tower :    "D-ECSG, immediately turn off to the right!"
C-172 :    "Munich tower, please say again"
LH :    Ein urbayrischer Kapitaen :
"A Rechtskurven soll'st fliagn, Du Hirsch!"

*****

Einem juengeren Piloten, der mit einer Do 27 eine Wochentagslandung gemacht
hatte, gab Ahlhorn Tower die "Rollanweisung": "Now jump left to apron".

Controller: "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !"
Pilot: "I'm not silly..."

*****

Controller: "Japanair 123 confirm you are on course to ARURA?"
Pilot: "Ah, Logel, Logel."
Controller: " No, no, Sir. Not to LOGEL. It is not on your route!"

Pilot: "Santa Monica Tower, be advised that there are numerous Piegons on short final"
Tower: "Roger. They are all on frequency and cleared to land."

*****

Pilot: "Cotonou Tower, 5NAAF VFR from Lagos to Cotonou reporting national boundary this time estimate your field at 10.15."
Tower: " Ah, Ah, fife Novemba Affa Affa Foxetott watta you tipe of avion?"
Pilot: "This is a DHCI Chipmunk."
Tower: "....ah, say again."
Pilot: "DHCI Chipmunk . . . . . C H I P M U N K."
Tower: "Aahah...... a shitmonk!"

Pilot: " November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land?"
Tower: "Oh, who is talking?"
Pilot: "Me!"

****

Controller: "Fliht 2431, for nioise abatement turn 45 degrees to the right . . ."
Pilot: "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?"
Controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ?"

****

Controller: "CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less"
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

Tower: "N2234, are you a Cessna ?"
Pilot: "No Sir, I'm a male hispanic."

****

Pilot (LH 876): ".....request heading 110 to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what ?"
Pilot (LH 876): "To avoid delay."

****

Controller nach der Landunbg einer British Airways-Maschine: "Just let you know on the approach you were a little left of the centerline."
Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."

****

Pilot: ". . . . good mornig, Sir, . . . . . . ."
Controller (unterbricht): "Don't call me 'Sir', I have to work for my Money!"

Captain (nach einer etwas misslungenen Landung):
"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just recived two landings for the price of one."

****

Pilot: "BAG324, passing 130 for 60 . . . und wir haben den kleinen 'Oscar' dabei."
Controller: "BAG324 , squawk 0411, 'Oscar' stimmt, aber passen Sie auf, der wird in sieben Minuten 'Papa'."

****

Pilot: "Frankfurt Information, hier Delta Bravo Zulu. Wir sind jetzt über Dinkelsbühl in Flugfläche 95."
Tower: "Sie sollten doch München Information rufen !"
Pilot: "Ja, weiss ich, aber bei Ihnen gefällt mir das Programm besser."

****

Eine DC-3, ohne Farbanstrich, aber mit gepflegt glänzender Aluminiumhaut, rollt zum Start.
Tower: "N147, what kind of polish do you use?"
Pilot: "Speed only, Sir."

Tower (zu einer SF340 Besatzung): "Wer ist denn nun schneller, so 'ne Dash 8 oder 'ne Saab?"
Pilot: "Die Saab natürlich!"
Tower: "Gut, dann müssen Sie noch warten."

****

Pilot: "Delta Echo Delta Victor Golf, Standort Teerweg 4, erbitte Platzanweisung für einige Platzrunden."
Turm: "Delta Victor Golf, Platzanweisung gibt's im Kino."

****

Pilot: "Information, Delta Kilo November, kann ich über SULZ und TANGO fliegen?"
Controller: "Delta Kilo November, fliegen Sie weiter nach gutdünken."
Pilot: "Aber ich möchte nach Egelsbach."

Turm (fragt ergänzend nach dem Flugzeugmuster): "Und was ist Ihr Typ?"
Piot: "Rothaarig."

****

Tower Controller zu der Besatzung eines Charter-Airliners nach einer etwas harten Landung:
"'. . . .ne Landung soll ja kein Geheimnis sein. Die Passagiere sollen ruhig, wissen wenn sie unten sind."
Pilot: "Macht aber nichts, die klatschen trotzdem."

****

Pilot: "Rollkontrolle, Delta ...cho ...ber vo...., erbitte Rollfreigabe."
Turm:"Wie heissen Sie nochmal?"
Pilot: "Hettmannsberger."